godbent | 3rd: The Compromise of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Voice]

[For the record, this post takes place in the later evening, following this thread by about an hour or two.

So, earlier, Haruhi got some disturbing news. Or well, she's been getting all sorts of disturbing news for the last two weeks, particularly the second week. It's been two weeks since she returned to Luceti. Here she was gone two months, back home a month had past. And before either of those, she had been in Luceti for two and a half years.

Al was gone. All sorts of people were gone, and even if the individual losses still hurt sometimes, overall, if she had to vocalize it, bar certain painful ones (like Usagi, like Rena, the idea of losing Winry or Shiki or ... others) she had gotten used to the idea that people would sometimes just vanish. She had - before she went home herself - always just told herself that when people returned, not remembering. Those instances where worse, those instances were always worse.

But that wasn't the case right now - or maybe... that was the case to other people. It had gotten hard, particularly in light of what Keiichi showed her after that ~~as yet unthreaded~~ dinner and the letter currently clasped in her hands, to deny the worth of a certain individual she had wanted to deny the meaning of all this time, who she wanted to think was some phantom in everyone else's memories. But... that's irresponsible. It was hurting other people, hurting her, hurting... friends. The Brigade. Winry. Everyone. She couldn't change that, but . . . But she had to do something.]

[From a hiding place (a not particularly good one per say, but a hiding place of the spare room on the second floor of her her house) she begins what she knows will be hard for her to say. She sounds in no way comfortable as she starts with-]

Hey, Luce- [no that's stupid-] everyone I know. Or... yeah, everyone I know, or other people, I don't care! [That got harsh. She's awkward here] Look-! ...Look. Anyone that knew that guy, Haruki Suzumiya that wasn- ... The was... [UGH. The letter in her hand crumples a bit as she pushes it together, awkward] ...Whatever, forget it! Jeez, damn Malnosso. It's not important!

[ ... ... A minute later]

...No. It is important, after all. Look- that guy, I have his- no, I have my own memories, which are basically his except I'm in them and none of you remember it like that. [Dammit dammit she sounds like she's repeating a point. Things she's already said. Dammit. There's a growl of frustration before she slips up out of her chair to pace, leaving the journal on the table but still talking loud enough to be recorded] I have memories, alright?! So I know some of you- a lot of you, I guess. But- [...] But I guess, you guys don't know me. You-

[ARGH. she looks again at the letter and then crumbles it into a ball. She throws it at the floor and then presses on, stopping in place and yelling now]

Some of you liked that guy, right?! Some of you were friends and some of you lo- [gulp-] loved that guy, right?! I'm not that guy- it's been two weeks since I showed too, so unless he Malnosso are bigger assholes than anyone thought I'm not going to be that guy either. [But if she is, if she 'reverts back' next week or tomorrow, this post is meaningless. ...Maybe it still is. But it feels like her heart is breaking and she needs to do something. Even as she stays all this, she feels no catharsis though, only her hollow dread turning into a real fear - a fear, what? Rejection? Probably, but fear of something tangible is better than something she doesn't even know the face]

So- ... So fine, that's that! We're different, alright?! And I was expecting you to forget but- fine! Don't forget him, it doesn't matter! [...UGH. Dammit, she's losing the point again. She crouches, picking up the crumbled ball of the letter]

...I know things can't be the same as I remember them, but I guess things also won't be the same as you remember. I want to just pick up where I left off but that's- [...dammit] That's not completely possible, is it? It's not like I'm a time traveler and can go back and change things and- [...she could change it to everyone remembering her. But that's not fair, even if she did know how to manage it. And last time. She mutters-] ...And Leon would screw it up again

[That might not have even been recorded, but she stands after this, her voice gaining resolve.]

So what I'm saying is that... I'm Haruhi. I'm the Chief of the SOS-Brigade, and- and if you knew that Haruki guy we can start over, starting now! And if you didn't know that guy, then it doesn't matter because I'm me and whatever he said or did doesn't matter to you anyway! ["judge me only as me"]

So, hi everyone, it's nice to meet you! [Should she add "I hope you'll look after me?" ...No, that's just stupid. She should leave it at that.]

[...Should.

She sits down for replies after this, because there's sure to be some. She waits for maybe three minutes before finally concluding that she owes someone else something special. Winry will have heard of it or at least be hearing his opinion on it anyway. Might as well- Well.]

[Filtered to Sokka // 85% Unhackable]

...Hey, I- [...She's not sorry- or is she? No. Yes. No. Mostly no.] I've decided to forgive you for what you said the other day! ...You don't even need to apologize, because- [...] Because starting over, like I said here! So- [...Jeez] ...So just forget about what I did too, alright? I guess it was too much and- It's behind us, got it?!

[... ... ... Yeah that counts as "I'm sorry"]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[She slams her head into the table- or well, her arms on the table. Faintly, she crushes Miu's letter into a ball in her fist]

Miu loved him.

[...]

Well, of course she did. How is that a surprise?

[But it is a surprise, of course. He can only imagine how big a surprise it is for Haruhi.]

She loved him, you moron! Loved! [HOW ARE YOU NOT GETTING HOW SURPRISING THIS IS]

W-- what am I supposed to say? [The only time he'd been "in love" (read: having crushes on all the women he traveled with), he had Claude there to help him through the whole issue.] It's not like Haruki's here.

What, and you knew? Are you doing to tell me that Haruki knew it too?!

No way. I didn't know! But Miu-- come on. Haruki's Haruki. He attracts people to him.

[... No he- She- ]

...No I don't.

You're kidding, right? [That was a little too stunned a reaction, so...] Okay, maybe you're not kidding.

Not romantically not Miu. Or- Sure I was asked out a lot in middle school, but it's not like any of them were more interested than me being attractive!

Miu got to know you. [And she was kinda ... eccentric in that same way Haruki was.] But that's not the important part, is it? You don't know what to do, now that you know. You can't ... put her down, or talk to her about it.

[There is a very long pause before-] ...Hey, Leon. If I reset everything, you'd stop me again, wouldn't you?

[He blinks several times at the sudden question, and finds himself having to stall for his brain to catch up.]

Where did that come from?

...No, forget it.

No. [It's a jerk reaction.] You're not handling this well. I'd be stupid to just forget it.

Who would handle this well, Leon?! Do you know anyone who reacts well to everyone they know seeing them as a replacement?!

Of course not! [Yeah, the best way to react to this is by getting louder as well. It's actually pretty ridiculous in the confines of his apartment.] That's why it'd be idiotic to just let you ... stew. Because you'll do something, and you're going to-- [What? Land them in another Closed Space? Was that why she had asked? He takes a breath.] I don't know. But you're going to regret it, and you'll just feel even worse.

I know.

...why do you think I bothered?

[To make this post? To apologize to Sokka - which she knows you hacked or could hack - to do... any of this]

[You can bet he's taken a look. And he'll look at everything later too, when it turns out it's not so easy to dismiss that he's actually ... worried.]

Sure. You bothered to do this. But you're still sniping and-- ugh. [He grumbles somewhat inaudibly.] Look, do you want to go-- I don't know, beat something up or-- something? Go to the barracks and just beat the crap out of a dummy? [Haruki would do something physical if he had a lot on his mind, if he was stressed. He was pretty fail at basketball and other sports the Brigade had introduced him to, but if Haruhi had the same physical tendencies...] You might feel better.

I'll go for a jog later. It's pretty late, you know. [...Or maybe she should go now. But far from restless, she's feeling lethargic right now.]

Pretty late. [There's a slightly skeptical note in his voice; he was somehow not convinced that the lateness would bother her that much.] All right. All right. Just... [He trails off, not sure what to say.] You can talk to me about whatever.

Since when are you a therapist?

It's just an offer, geez. [He'd actually be surprised if she did take him up on the offer.]

Yeah, whatever.

[...]

Say, Leon, you're not going to fall for me too, are you?

[His voice actually cracks as he responds.]

What?

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