godbent | 6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

Entry tags:

6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

[To say that Haruhi was disgusted at herself after the event would be the understatement of the century. To say that she was miserable, to say that she wanted to go crawl up and die, or better go home and forget all this... that might be more accurate. Forget her friends, forget the Brigade, forget the boy--- no they aren't her "boys" stop thinking like that -- forget Winry. Everything would be better if it forget everything. Everything would be better if she could wish all this away. Everything would be better, better-

But no, she can't think that way, she can't afford to think that way. So on Monday, she tried to be normal. She tried to go to school and to the Brigade meeting, but she couldn't. In school she felt sick to her stomach and in the Brigade meeting, the minute she looked around that room, thinking of things she has done in here since she she arrived and promises she has made and broken and people she had left and known and loved and that talk with Keiichi and that other one with Winry when she got back. She started to cry, and ended the meeting prematurely. Brushing off any and all attempts to help, she proceeded home.

The first thing she did when she got home - no, not home, House #10 - was vomit. She threw up in the bathroom, spewing out all of the emotions from the last week, but even then she felt sick. She didn't eat after that. Truth be told, she had no motivation to eat. She has betrayed them all - betrayed her ideals, betrayed Winry, betrayed... everything. And what's more, for what? For a love she knew was an experiment (okay, not knew, suspected)? For escaping the pain of all this for a fleeting moment? She can still taste the feelings and grime from last night. Even though she showered when she got back and showered again in the morning. Even though- Desperate to escape the feeling of being a stupid slut, Haruhi then showered, scrubbing every inch of her body so vigorously that after a while, her skin was rubbed raw and red. She doesn't stop until, on one of her arms, she thinks she broke the skin.

...And what good did it do? She still doesn't feel any better. Not one bit. Not at all. And she wants to get mad. A lot of her is mad at the Malnosso. In fact, after she gets back to her room, she spends no small amount of time yelling bitterly at the air, throwing a tantrum and kicking, punching, throwing everything. But then the pain settles in, and she collapses onto her bed. She should go kill those two. Bury them in the ground. Make sure they never talk, never see the light of day again. But the minute she thinks that, and she's not sure if it's her friendship with them or the lingerings of the experiment, but those thoughts die down quickly. How is it there fault? For once, for once she has no one at all at blame except herself, and the guilt of it is overwhelming.

For a brief moment, she considers all sorts of dark things, but eventually, sleep comes to her. And then, the next morning, she sees the draft list. She sees their names on there as well as the names of numerous other people and she curses. She knows that even if she wants to just pretend the world doesn't exist, these damned evil aliens won't let her. For a moment, she considers giving up, trying to create another Closed Space. It's a satisfying thought: to create a world in which none of this ever happened. Maybe she could even erase her own memory along with the reality of this situation.

But she can't. Resisting tears and instead just feeling well past all of that, she flicks open her journal and sets to work making a series of filters. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to deal with all of this. But, sadly, she has no choice. Not to say that she can't resist it. She put it off a whole day. But... well. A day later, she feels no better and nothing is resolved.]

[Voice // Filtered to Winry // 98% Unhackable]

...I- [her voice breaks. She starts to cry again dammit, damn it she said she wouldn't-] I'm- ["sorry" - how is that good enough? How is anything?]

Le-let's... [And there's a whimpered little sob here before he voice goes numb and hollow] ...We should talk, if you want to.

[Voice // Filtered from Minato and Keiichi // 90% Unhackable]

[There's a deep inhale before she starts here, but her voice is still ragged. She delayed long enough to regain control, but.]

Brigade. Meetings are canceled until further notice, so anyone who is in or knows anyone in that draft just... focus on that.

[Voice // Filtered to Leon // 80% Unhackable]

Leon I- ["I need you to be ready to bring me back" "I need your support" "I might make a Closed Space again" "I hate this" "I don't want you to go" "I need you to replace the boys" "I want to die" "I want to forget" "I want all of this goddamned world to end"

...They all die in her mouth, so she just leaves this as is] Good luck.

[Voice // Filtered to Sokka // 80% Unhackable]

[And this this one comes as an afterthought. He conversation with Katara comes to mind, and for some reason, because everything else is horrible, what's it going to do her to say one more thing?]

Sokka. I'm- [After what she knows she's going to say above and how she's felt in the last few days, she's surprised how easy this is to say. Her voice comes of dead though, hollow. She's beyond feeling anything beyond a miserable numbness] sorry. Thank you for the help on the teleporter.

[And with that, her moral obligations are complete. And no, she doesn't feel any need to contact Keiichi or Minato. Housemates might find her locked in her own room all day aside from if she goes to visit anyone in the threads, but otherwise, there's nothing action-y here]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'll see you soon.

[She doesn't answer that. Instead she wills herself to get out of her bed... it's a rough process. She's barely eaten in two days (she can't keep anything down, the minute she thinks about how wrong everything is, and she doesn't have much appetite besides) and today she never even got out of bed.

But she does... and she event gets dressed. She shuffles down the hall and when she gets to the front door she just leans up against the wall there and slides to the ground, curling up in a fetal position. There to tell Winry to come in, but willing herself to disappear more than that.

Her eyes are still somewhat bloodshot, and she generally just looks like hell]

[Yeah, it's unlocked. And she's seated right here next to the door, looking at her knees. She looks up briefly by way of acknowledgment, but quickly averts her gaze. How can she even look at Winry right now?]

Hi.

Hey, there. You look tired.

... It's- ["fine" But it's not fine, nothing's fine. She's just a stupid slut and... She wraps her arms around her waist, willing the world to vanish. Maybe if she wishes hard enough, a Closed Space will hurry up and form]

Not bad.

Don't lie. You know I don't like it when you lie.

You look horrible.

[The contact makes he wince. She doesn't deserve this. She needs to hurry up and say the only thing she can say. Do the only thing that... She wants this to end and she wants to]

...I want to go home.

[Maybe that's the first time she's ever said that here. She can't remember]

Ha - Haruhi...

It's hard to be here. We'd all agree it's never easy. But remember what you told me?

[She trembles in the embrace. More than ever she feels dirty, and the bile is rising up again. Her eyes threaten to moisten. All the air in the room is gone and she feels like she could just drop dead right now. She makes no move to reciprocate or to... do anything other than tremble and try to hold together. She doesn't even make a sound of acknowledgment]

You told me that all the people here are strong. You have to be to keep up in this place. You did it, didn't you? For so long, too.

I think... No, I believe that you can be strong. Even if it doesn't feel like it. Haruhi, I - - I love you. And I want to help you be strong.

[She hears all that, and as she does, tears start to fall. She is only dully aware of them though, because one phrase echoes again and again in her head.

"I love you"
"I love you"
"I love you"]

...No.

[She hangs her head. Her hand does not go to Winry's palm. She can't accept that right now. How can she even begin to pretend that is okay? How can she begin to pretend that even right now her stupid whore body isn't reeking of her own failures and Winry isn't being contaminated or- or... or anything like that?]

I... love you too. We-...

[...We- We... There's a sob here, against her will. And she balls one of the hands at her side into a fist before deciding she can't even do that. Her hand then goes to go on her palm. It would be so easy, so easy to pretend and to go on, right? Maybe in time she could even fool herself-?]

Edited 2011-02-24 01:46 (UTC)

[But then the hand falls limply to her side. She can't give in like that. This girl next to her deserves so much better]

-We're breaking up.

[No, Winry doesn't get a say in that. There's a distinct, cold finality here. She has to do this]

Is there someone else you want to be with?

[Should she lie? Should she say yes? Should she...]

There... is- [...she can't. That would be like acknowledging them] -n't

But I- [...] we can't.

[Her voice breaks here. Dammit. Dammit]

If we really can't be together, I think that's for us to decide. Not some stupid experiment. What we can't do is let it end like this.

I won't let it. It's true, things can't be how you or I remember them. But I wouldn't be me if I gave up without a fight.

[...no. No. No.] You don't see it romantically. [...] I know you don't.

[It's been a long time coming, it's inevitable. It's. She starts to tremble all the more. She grits her teeth. Is she ready to say it? Is she- No, she doesn't have the gusto to say it]

And you just know this? You know you're the closest I've ever been to any girl. Even the ones back home.

[... There it is. There's the opening.]

You're- [...swallow] You're the closest I've been to anyone in my life.

[That comes out mechanical. It's so hard to say. It's so amazing hard to accept this. But after she says it, she reaches an arm out and tries to take Winry's hand- or plans to, but then rethinks it and just settles with the hand stopped in midair en route]

But- [...] But-

Go ahead, I'm listening.

[...How does she be honest?]

...I don't know how Haruki felt about you. I- well, he's me, so I'm sure he loved you, right? But maybe he- ...He and I are different, so things aren't and can't be the same. I'm sorry.

[...]

I- You mean more to me than anyone. You mean more to me than anything in my life. [...] I know you do.

[...]

But-... it's not- This experiment-

Are you saying we have a different kind of love?

[...!]

I- yeah.

[The follow is said very rapidly, with her face advancing in on Winry's the whole time.]

I don't know what I feel you- you matter so much more to me than Kyon or anyone else I've had a crush on or been in a relationship with or- anyone. I get jealous and because of that I created a relationship with you when you were vulnerable. I- I wanted this to be romantic, but I don't think- I don't know if it is or not. I don't know- I just-

[...]

I'm sorry.

[Voice | Filtered]

[ a c t i o n ]

[Akshun]

[Akshun]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

1/3

2/3

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

[Action]

1/2

[Action]