6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

[godbent]

[To say that Haruhi was disgusted at herself after the event would be the understatement of the century. To say that she was miserable, to say that she wanted to go crawl up and die, or better go home and forget all this... that might be more accurate. Forget her friends, forget the Brigade, forget the boy--- no they aren't her "boys" stop thinking like that -- forget Winry. Everything would be better if it forget everything. Everything would be better if she could wish all this away. Everything would be better, better-

But no, she can't think that way, she can't afford to think that way. So on Monday, she tried to be normal. She tried to go to school and to the Brigade meeting, but she couldn't. In school she felt sick to her stomach and in the Brigade meeting, the minute she looked around that room, thinking of things she has done in here since she she arrived and promises she has made and broken and people she had left and known and loved and that talk with Keiichi and that other one with Winry when she got back. She started to cry, and ended the meeting prematurely. Brushing off any and all attempts to help, she proceeded home.

The first thing she did when she got home - no, not home, House #10 - was vomit. She threw up in the bathroom, spewing out all of the emotions from the last week, but even then she felt sick. She didn't eat after that. Truth be told, she had no motivation to eat. She has betrayed them all - betrayed her ideals, betrayed Winry, betrayed... everything. And what's more, for what? For a love she knew was an experiment (okay, not knew, suspected)? For escaping the pain of all this for a fleeting moment? She can still taste the feelings and grime from last night. Even though she showered when she got back and showered again in the morning. Even though- Desperate to escape the feeling of being a stupid slut, Haruhi then showered, scrubbing every inch of her body so vigorously that after a while, her skin was rubbed raw and red. She doesn't stop until, on one of her arms, she thinks she broke the skin.

...And what good did it do? She still doesn't feel any better. Not one bit. Not at all. And she wants to get mad. A lot of her is mad at the Malnosso. In fact, after she gets back to her room, she spends no small amount of time yelling bitterly at the air, throwing a tantrum and kicking, punching, throwing everything. But then the pain settles in, and she collapses onto her bed. She should go kill those two. Bury them in the ground. Make sure they never talk, never see the light of day again. But the minute she thinks that, and she's not sure if it's her friendship with them or the lingerings of the experiment, but those thoughts die down quickly. How is it there fault? For once, for once she has no one at all at blame except herself, and the guilt of it is overwhelming.

For a brief moment, she considers all sorts of dark things, but eventually, sleep comes to her. And then, the next morning, she sees the draft list. She sees their names on there as well as the names of numerous other people and she curses. She knows that even if she wants to just pretend the world doesn't exist, these damned evil aliens won't let her. For a moment, she considers giving up, trying to create another Closed Space. It's a satisfying thought: to create a world in which none of this ever happened. Maybe she could even erase her own memory along with the reality of this situation.

But she can't. Resisting tears and instead just feeling well past all of that, she flicks open her journal and sets to work making a series of filters. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to deal with all of this. But, sadly, she has no choice. Not to say that she can't resist it. She put it off a whole day. But... well. A day later, she feels no better and nothing is resolved.]

[Voice // Filtered to Winry // 98% Unhackable]

...I- [her voice breaks. She starts to cry again dammit, damn it she said she wouldn't-] I'm- ["sorry" - how is that good enough? How is anything?]

Le-let's... [And there's a whimpered little sob here before he voice goes numb and hollow] ...We should talk, if you want to.

[Voice // Filtered from Minato and Keiichi // 90% Unhackable]

[There's a deep inhale before she starts here, but her voice is still ragged. She delayed long enough to regain control, but.]

Brigade. Meetings are canceled until further notice, so anyone who is in or knows anyone in that draft just... focus on that.

[Voice // Filtered to Leon // 80% Unhackable]

Leon I- ["I need you to be ready to bring me back" "I need your support" "I might make a Closed Space again" "I hate this" "I don't want you to go" "I need you to replace the boys" "I want to die" "I want to forget" "I want all of this goddamned world to end"

...They all die in her mouth, so she just leaves this as is] Good luck.

[Voice // Filtered to Sokka // 80% Unhackable]

[And this this one comes as an afterthought. He conversation with Katara comes to mind, and for some reason, because everything else is horrible, what's it going to do her to say one more thing?]

Sokka. I'm- [After what she knows she's going to say above and how she's felt in the last few days, she's surprised how easy this is to say. Her voice comes of dead though, hollow. She's beyond feeling anything beyond a miserable numbness] sorry. Thank you for the help on the teleporter.

[And with that, her moral obligations are complete. And no, she doesn't feel any need to contact Keiichi or Minato. Housemates might find her locked in her own room all day aside from if she goes to visit anyone in the threads, but otherwise, there's nothing action-y here]

Comments

[Voice | Filtered] 1/2

[crytearsofjoy.livejournal.com]

Where have you been?

[Voice | Filtered]

[crytearsofjoy.livejournal.com]

Where are you now?

[Voice | Filtered]

[godbent]

[...Concerned, she's concerned after she- after she. Haruhi feels the bile rising up in her throat again, and there's a distinct pause as she swallows, willing herself not to shut the book right now. To run away again. She wants to. She wants to with... but.]

...Ho- [it's not home] house #10.

[Her voice sounds so ragged]

[Voice | Filtered]

[crytearsofjoy.livejournal.com]

If I go there, will you still be there?

Re: [Voice | Filtered]

[godbent]

[Yes.

No.

Maybe?

No. No no no no no a million times no. But where can she go? Where is there to go? She's just... a dumb stupid slut and just- Forget she wants to forget everything. So after a long pause]

...Yeah. Yeah, okay.

[Voice | Filtered]

[crytearsofjoy.livejournal.com]

I'll see you soon.

[markofthewise]

[Sokka's been spending most of his time prepping for the draft, skimming over any messages that don't seem relevant. He nearly glosses over this one, because honestly, how often does Haruhi have anything to say about things that matter? But one of those messages is meant for him. After listening to it and taking in the shock of it all (and the utter lack of emotion in it), he listens to the other open message. He stares at the other filters for awhile, contemplating sticking his nose in to see what it's all about, but that would be a waste of time he doesn't have. Besides, it's not exactly his business.]

Uh, you're welcome. Anytime. [Wait, he told her he wasn't available to help. Oops, oh well. After a moment's pause he adds:]

Are you okay?

[He meant in general, less so because her being nice like this is so unheard of.]

[godbent]

[No, no she's not. But... Sokka isn't something she can talk to about it. Really, no one is, but him and his sister in particular are some of the least applicable on her long list of people to not talk to about this. But he confirmed and... well. Seems Katara was right. There is a short sigh and-]

You need to prepare for that draft.

[She can't even bring herself to lie, but she's sure the boy has things he considers more important anyway so it's not like he'll bug her]

[markofthewise]

[Well, she's got a point. And these kind of talks aren't really his thing. But he can't help that think, maybe even mistakingly so, that she would tell him this now when there was so many opportunities before.]

I've got three days still.

[In other words, yeah, he's in no rush.]

[godbent]

[Nonono it's not supposed to be like this, it's not supposed to be like this. She tries to get mad, but the result fails. There's no fire. Instead, her tone just gets - well she's going for dismissive, but in practice it's just distant, with that same tired, emotionless note]

Oh, right. [what does he want to know?] Katara told me to.

[Maybe that'll shake him.]

[markofthewise]

Oh. [And here he figured Winry was to blame for that. So does that mean she doesn't mean it?] Figures.

[Eh, Haruhi still said it. He'll take it.]

[godbent]

Yeah.

[Good, maybe now he'll be done. Or... something. It hurts to talk]

[voice | filtered 100%] /matches your mini-novel

[book-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

[Leon fixes the filter out of habit, even before he really thinks about how Haruhi's message comes across. He's been preoccupied, definitely, with the draft and the idea of going out there lost in that massive list of residents. Every time a draft rolled around, the list seemed to get bigger, and they... They were more likely to get lost in the fray. Or that was his fear.

He had noticed, distantly, that Haruhi hadn't been in the best of moods following the experiment. Few of them were. He still didn't know what to feel about Yuzu, and he hadn't gotten up the nerve to talk to her. But Haruhi was Haruhi, and for every emotional outburst Haruki had ever gone through, it felt like things would just be exponentially worse for her. Because she'd already been dealt a cruddy blow ending up with people who didn't remember things as she did. Because she wanted to tell him something, and she was holding herself back--and he didn't know why.

He holds the page as he sits on the couch, tapping to hear her voice post again. Hearing the pause. He holds his head in one hand, not knowing what to say.

...

The journal records a period of silence before he realizes it's recording. He tries to sound confident. Like he isn't conflicted at all.]

It'll just be a few days. Things'll be okay.

[voice | filtered 100%] this is a tragic series

[godbent]

[The silence, oh the silence. Haruhi sees the reply come in, sees the little picture of Leon and sees what she thinks is a contemplate face, or an upset one... it's hard to tell from a little picture. But she stares at it - willing, hoping he'll understand. Wanting him to tell her to shut up and stop. Wishing that he could somehow fix things, like he did when Usagi died. But that's not fair, of course it's not fair. He was just there, the last one. He wasn't the first, he wasn't the most important, probably, he was just the last.

And then, some parts of her - more of her than she expected, based on yesterday - wish the opposite. Because if he and the others don't stop her, who can? She can erase this world. Get rid of everything. And so what if it's not perfect? So what if the Malnosso ruin it yet again or if she isn't potent enough to save everyone- anything, anything is better than this.

She swallows when his voice finally comes through. Licking her lips, she presses for a reply]

Yeah, of course.

[voice | filtered 100%]

[book-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

[He can feel his face twisting at the short reply. He feels numb, depressed, angry, and upset all at the same time. He's thinking too much. Reading into things she isn't saying. Reading into the things she is saying--to other people. He knows it's stupid, and he knows it's not her fault.

It was his, for just ... thinking too much.

His voice is a little rough as he exhales and manages to speak.]

You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?

[voice | filtered 100%]

[godbent]

I... [...] would.

[...]

Something is- ...nothing's right, right now.

[She's surprised she could even say that]

[voice | filtered 100%]

[book-of-chaos.livejournal.com]

[He laughs shortly, even though it's completely inappropriate. It's a nervous response, edged with relief.

He didn't want her to shut him out.]

Tell me about it... You canceled meetings.

[It's an attempt at a joke, even if they both knew this wasn't unprecedented.]

We can talk. Whenever you want to. Need to.

[voice | filtered 100%]

[godbent]

[She sighs. And then in a voice more mechanical than curios - she's testing his sincerity more than anything - ]

Who were you with?

[voice/filter]

[flower-of-hell.livejournal.com]

[Much as Rena enjoyed standing by and watching the vast majority of Luceti fall madly in love with each other, it's things like this that make her remember experiments like that are the worst ones of them all.

It's was frightening, looking back and realizing you had no control over yourself. Realizing that it felt so real.]

...Okay.

[voice/filter]

[godbent]

["Who were you with?"

"Keiichi-"

"I'm sorry-"]

...Good.

[voice/filter]

[flower-of-hell.livejournal.com]

[She has a rough idea of what happened, considering the past week, but most of it is merely speculation. Rena certainly doesn't know how serious or deep it had gotten for the three of them.

The important thing, is making sure Haruhi will be all right.]

Is there anything you need me to do? Rena wouldn't mind.

1/2

[godbent]

[Damn it. Damn it, Rena. Why do you have to be like this?]

[voice/filter]

[godbent]

I'm not the one going out to a war. Go do something for [She feels the bile raise as she starts to say his name but forces it out before she can be stopped] Keiichi.

[voice/private]

[flower-of-hell.livejournal.com]

Keiichi-kun isn't here right now. [Or maybe he was. Perhaps Rena was just being evasive.

But now, Rena very painstakingly sets the filter to private.]

It sounds like Haru-chan is having a harder time than he is.

[voice/private]

[godbent]

[Maybe she is? If she is, she's pissed because that bastard should be suffering a painful thousand needles in every pour of his body]

Then find him.