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Entry tags:
- @leon d.s. geeste,
- @rena ryuuguu,
- @sokka,
- @winry rockbell,
- and thus starts a long and dark road,
- saint valentine: probably a mind-warper,
- self disgust is on high,
- sokka should feel lucky :|,
- stupid spoiled whore; video play set,
- this counts as introspective,
- this entry depressed me to write,
- what we call a 'breaking point',
- what we're growing up to be,
- winry and my relationship is not awkward
6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya
[To say that Haruhi was disgusted at herself after the event would be the understatement of the century. To say that she was miserable, to say that she wanted to go crawl up and die, or better go home and forget all this... that might be more accurate. Forget her friends, forget the Brigade, forget the boy--- no they aren't her "boys" stop thinking like that -- forget Winry. Everything would be better if it forget everything. Everything would be better if she could wish all this away. Everything would be better, better-
But no, she can't think that way, she can't afford to think that way. So on Monday, she tried to be normal. She tried to go to school and to the Brigade meeting, but she couldn't. In school she felt sick to her stomach and in the Brigade meeting, the minute she looked around that room, thinking of things she has done in here since she she arrived and promises she has made and broken and people she had left and known and loved and that talk with Keiichi and that other one with Winry when she got back. She started to cry, and ended the meeting prematurely. Brushing off any and all attempts to help, she proceeded home.
The first thing she did when she got home - no, not home, House #10 - was vomit. She threw up in the bathroom, spewing out all of the emotions from the last week, but even then she felt sick. She didn't eat after that. Truth be told, she had no motivation to eat. She has betrayed them all - betrayed her ideals, betrayed Winry, betrayed... everything. And what's more, for what? For a love she knew was an experiment (okay, not knew, suspected)? For escaping the pain of all this for a fleeting moment? She can still taste the feelings and grime from last night. Even though she showered when she got back and showered again in the morning. Even though- Desperate to escape the feeling of being a stupid slut, Haruhi then showered, scrubbing every inch of her body so vigorously that after a while, her skin was rubbed raw and red. She doesn't stop until, on one of her arms, she thinks she broke the skin.
...And what good did it do? She still doesn't feel any better. Not one bit. Not at all. And she wants to get mad. A lot of her is mad at the Malnosso. In fact, after she gets back to her room, she spends no small amount of time yelling bitterly at the air, throwing a tantrum and kicking, punching, throwing everything. But then the pain settles in, and she collapses onto her bed. She should go kill those two. Bury them in the ground. Make sure they never talk, never see the light of day again. But the minute she thinks that, and she's not sure if it's her friendship with them or the lingerings of the experiment, but those thoughts die down quickly. How is it there fault? For once, for once she has no one at all at blame except herself, and the guilt of it is overwhelming.
For a brief moment, she considers all sorts of dark things, but eventually, sleep comes to her. And then, the next morning, she sees the draft list. She sees their names on there as well as the names of numerous other people and she curses. She knows that even if she wants to just pretend the world doesn't exist, these damned evil aliens won't let her. For a moment, she considers giving up, trying to create another Closed Space. It's a satisfying thought: to create a world in which none of this ever happened. Maybe she could even erase her own memory along with the reality of this situation.
But she can't. Resisting tears and instead just feeling well past all of that, she flicks open her journal and sets to work making a series of filters. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to deal with all of this. But, sadly, she has no choice. Not to say that she can't resist it. She put it off a whole day. But... well. A day later, she feels no better and nothing is resolved.]
[Voice // Filtered to Winry // 98% Unhackable]
...I- [her voice breaks. She starts to cry again dammit, damn it she said she wouldn't-] I'm- ["sorry" - how is that good enough? How is anything?]
Le-let's... [And there's a whimpered little sob here before he voice goes numb and hollow] ...We should talk, if you want to.
[Voice // Filtered from Minato and Keiichi // 90% Unhackable]
[There's a deep inhale before she starts here, but her voice is still ragged. She delayed long enough to regain control, but.]
Brigade. Meetings are canceled until further notice, so anyone who is in or knows anyone in that draft just... focus on that.
[Voice // Filtered to Leon // 80% Unhackable]
Leon I- ["I need you to be ready to bring me back" "I need your support" "I might make a Closed Space again" "I hate this" "I don't want you to go" "I need you to replace the boys" "I want to die" "I want to forget" "I want all of this goddamned world to end"
...They all die in her mouth, so she just leaves this as is] Good luck.
[Voice // Filtered to Sokka // 80% Unhackable]
[And this this one comes as an afterthought. He conversation with Katara comes to mind, and for some reason, because everything else is horrible, what's it going to do her to say one more thing?]
Sokka. I'm- [After what she knows she's going to say above and how she's felt in the last few days, she's surprised how easy this is to say. Her voice comes of dead though, hollow. She's beyond feeling anything beyond a miserable numbness] sorry. Thank you for the help on the teleporter.
[And with that, her moral obligations are complete. And no, she doesn't feel any need to contact Keiichi or Minato. Housemates might find her locked in her own room all day aside from if she goes to visit anyone in the threads, but otherwise, there's nothing action-y here]
But no, she can't think that way, she can't afford to think that way. So on Monday, she tried to be normal. She tried to go to school and to the Brigade meeting, but she couldn't. In school she felt sick to her stomach and in the Brigade meeting, the minute she looked around that room, thinking of things she has done in here since she she arrived and promises she has made and broken and people she had left and known and loved and that talk with Keiichi and that other one with Winry when she got back. She started to cry, and ended the meeting prematurely. Brushing off any and all attempts to help, she proceeded home.
The first thing she did when she got home - no, not home, House #10 - was vomit. She threw up in the bathroom, spewing out all of the emotions from the last week, but even then she felt sick. She didn't eat after that. Truth be told, she had no motivation to eat. She has betrayed them all - betrayed her ideals, betrayed Winry, betrayed... everything. And what's more, for what? For a love she knew was an experiment (okay, not knew, suspected)? For escaping the pain of all this for a fleeting moment? She can still taste the feelings and grime from last night. Even though she showered when she got back and showered again in the morning. Even though- Desperate to escape the feeling of being a stupid slut, Haruhi then showered, scrubbing every inch of her body so vigorously that after a while, her skin was rubbed raw and red. She doesn't stop until, on one of her arms, she thinks she broke the skin.
...And what good did it do? She still doesn't feel any better. Not one bit. Not at all. And she wants to get mad. A lot of her is mad at the Malnosso. In fact, after she gets back to her room, she spends no small amount of time yelling bitterly at the air, throwing a tantrum and kicking, punching, throwing everything. But then the pain settles in, and she collapses onto her bed. She should go kill those two. Bury them in the ground. Make sure they never talk, never see the light of day again. But the minute she thinks that, and she's not sure if it's her friendship with them or the lingerings of the experiment, but those thoughts die down quickly. How is it there fault? For once, for once she has no one at all at blame except herself, and the guilt of it is overwhelming.
For a brief moment, she considers all sorts of dark things, but eventually, sleep comes to her. And then, the next morning, she sees the draft list. She sees their names on there as well as the names of numerous other people and she curses. She knows that even if she wants to just pretend the world doesn't exist, these damned evil aliens won't let her. For a moment, she considers giving up, trying to create another Closed Space. It's a satisfying thought: to create a world in which none of this ever happened. Maybe she could even erase her own memory along with the reality of this situation.
But she can't. Resisting tears and instead just feeling well past all of that, she flicks open her journal and sets to work making a series of filters. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to deal with all of this. But, sadly, she has no choice. Not to say that she can't resist it. She put it off a whole day. But... well. A day later, she feels no better and nothing is resolved.]
[Voice // Filtered to Winry // 98% Unhackable]
...I- [her voice breaks. She starts to cry again dammit, damn it she said she wouldn't-] I'm- ["sorry" - how is that good enough? How is anything?]
Le-let's... [And there's a whimpered little sob here before he voice goes numb and hollow] ...We should talk, if you want to.
[Voice // Filtered from Minato and Keiichi // 90% Unhackable]
[There's a deep inhale before she starts here, but her voice is still ragged. She delayed long enough to regain control, but.]
Brigade. Meetings are canceled until further notice, so anyone who is in or knows anyone in that draft just... focus on that.
[Voice // Filtered to Leon // 80% Unhackable]
Leon I- ["I need you to be ready to bring me back" "I need your support" "I might make a Closed Space again" "I hate this" "I don't want you to go" "I need you to replace the boys" "I want to die" "I want to forget" "I want all of this goddamned world to end"
...They all die in her mouth, so she just leaves this as is] Good luck.
[Voice // Filtered to Sokka // 80% Unhackable]
[And this this one comes as an afterthought. He conversation with Katara comes to mind, and for some reason, because everything else is horrible, what's it going to do her to say one more thing?]
Sokka. I'm- [After what she knows she's going to say above and how she's felt in the last few days, she's surprised how easy this is to say. Her voice comes of dead though, hollow. She's beyond feeling anything beyond a miserable numbness] sorry. Thank you for the help on the teleporter.
[And with that, her moral obligations are complete. And no, she doesn't feel any need to contact Keiichi or Minato. Housemates might find her locked in her own room all day aside from if she goes to visit anyone in the threads, but otherwise, there's nothing action-y here]
no subject
[Good, maybe now he'll be done. Or... something. It hurts to talk]
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Well, if you need someone for, you know, listening, I can do that. [He'll even forgo the beard.]
1/2
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[Was that cold? ...Probably]
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Sounds like you do, but hey, I can't tell you what to do. Just take care of yourself, okay Haruhi?
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No wait. Something occurs to him. He's leaving with Katara and Suki, right?]
Uh, hey, I know you're not doing so great, but could you do me a favor while I'm gone?
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What.
[It's not a question, it's a word forced out of trembling lips, almost like a gasp more than coherent language]
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Well, you have that rooster and he's a bird. I kinda need someone to keep an eye on Hawky. He's a different kind of bird, a dragon hawk actually, but he really doesn't like being alone, but he also really hates cats. [So he can't exactly ask Winry.
Oh hell, this is probably just a stupid idea. He should've just asked Edward. He might not know about birds, but at least Hawky could give him a sense of direction.]
A-actually, sorry. Probably a bad idea. I'll leave you alone. Go do, you know, pre-fighty stuff. Sorry.
1/2
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[That is said quickly, before she has reason to second-guess herself anymore. Because, at worst, if she ever feels better she can claim Sokka owes her. At worst, she can talk to the damn bird. It's probably too stupid to blab anything anyway.]
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... so uh, any questions?
1/3
2/3
...You're an idiot.
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But yeah, I got it. That makes sense.
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Okay, I'll drop him off in two days. Thanks Haruhi, I appreciate it. [... on my birthday.]
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Whatever. I owe you or something anyway apparently.
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[Good thing she brought that up. If he'd thought about it more, realizing he was in debt to Haruhi would be a horrible, horrible place to be.]
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[Because that's what it was, right? Something like that. Katara's morality talk is so hard to understand]
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Uh, sure. Consider it dropped. [... until you do it again.]
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