godbent | 6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

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6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

[To say that Haruhi was disgusted at herself after the event would be the understatement of the century. To say that she was miserable, to say that she wanted to go crawl up and die, or better go home and forget all this... that might be more accurate. Forget her friends, forget the Brigade, forget the boy--- no they aren't her "boys" stop thinking like that -- forget Winry. Everything would be better if it forget everything. Everything would be better if she could wish all this away. Everything would be better, better-

But no, she can't think that way, she can't afford to think that way. So on Monday, she tried to be normal. She tried to go to school and to the Brigade meeting, but she couldn't. In school she felt sick to her stomach and in the Brigade meeting, the minute she looked around that room, thinking of things she has done in here since she she arrived and promises she has made and broken and people she had left and known and loved and that talk with Keiichi and that other one with Winry when she got back. She started to cry, and ended the meeting prematurely. Brushing off any and all attempts to help, she proceeded home.

The first thing she did when she got home - no, not home, House #10 - was vomit. She threw up in the bathroom, spewing out all of the emotions from the last week, but even then she felt sick. She didn't eat after that. Truth be told, she had no motivation to eat. She has betrayed them all - betrayed her ideals, betrayed Winry, betrayed... everything. And what's more, for what? For a love she knew was an experiment (okay, not knew, suspected)? For escaping the pain of all this for a fleeting moment? She can still taste the feelings and grime from last night. Even though she showered when she got back and showered again in the morning. Even though- Desperate to escape the feeling of being a stupid slut, Haruhi then showered, scrubbing every inch of her body so vigorously that after a while, her skin was rubbed raw and red. She doesn't stop until, on one of her arms, she thinks she broke the skin.

...And what good did it do? She still doesn't feel any better. Not one bit. Not at all. And she wants to get mad. A lot of her is mad at the Malnosso. In fact, after she gets back to her room, she spends no small amount of time yelling bitterly at the air, throwing a tantrum and kicking, punching, throwing everything. But then the pain settles in, and she collapses onto her bed. She should go kill those two. Bury them in the ground. Make sure they never talk, never see the light of day again. But the minute she thinks that, and she's not sure if it's her friendship with them or the lingerings of the experiment, but those thoughts die down quickly. How is it there fault? For once, for once she has no one at all at blame except herself, and the guilt of it is overwhelming.

For a brief moment, she considers all sorts of dark things, but eventually, sleep comes to her. And then, the next morning, she sees the draft list. She sees their names on there as well as the names of numerous other people and she curses. She knows that even if she wants to just pretend the world doesn't exist, these damned evil aliens won't let her. For a moment, she considers giving up, trying to create another Closed Space. It's a satisfying thought: to create a world in which none of this ever happened. Maybe she could even erase her own memory along with the reality of this situation.

But she can't. Resisting tears and instead just feeling well past all of that, she flicks open her journal and sets to work making a series of filters. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to deal with all of this. But, sadly, she has no choice. Not to say that she can't resist it. She put it off a whole day. But... well. A day later, she feels no better and nothing is resolved.]

[Voice // Filtered to Winry // 98% Unhackable]

...I- [her voice breaks. She starts to cry again dammit, damn it she said she wouldn't-] I'm- ["sorry" - how is that good enough? How is anything?]

Le-let's... [And there's a whimpered little sob here before he voice goes numb and hollow] ...We should talk, if you want to.

[Voice // Filtered from Minato and Keiichi // 90% Unhackable]

[There's a deep inhale before she starts here, but her voice is still ragged. She delayed long enough to regain control, but.]

Brigade. Meetings are canceled until further notice, so anyone who is in or knows anyone in that draft just... focus on that.

[Voice // Filtered to Leon // 80% Unhackable]

Leon I- ["I need you to be ready to bring me back" "I need your support" "I might make a Closed Space again" "I hate this" "I don't want you to go" "I need you to replace the boys" "I want to die" "I want to forget" "I want all of this goddamned world to end"

...They all die in her mouth, so she just leaves this as is] Good luck.

[Voice // Filtered to Sokka // 80% Unhackable]

[And this this one comes as an afterthought. He conversation with Katara comes to mind, and for some reason, because everything else is horrible, what's it going to do her to say one more thing?]

Sokka. I'm- [After what she knows she's going to say above and how she's felt in the last few days, she's surprised how easy this is to say. Her voice comes of dead though, hollow. She's beyond feeling anything beyond a miserable numbness] sorry. Thank you for the help on the teleporter.

[And with that, her moral obligations are complete. And no, she doesn't feel any need to contact Keiichi or Minato. Housemates might find her locked in her own room all day aside from if she goes to visit anyone in the threads, but otherwise, there's nothing action-y here]

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[Leon fixes the filter out of habit, even before he really thinks about how Haruhi's message comes across. He's been preoccupied, definitely, with the draft and the idea of going out there lost in that massive list of residents. Every time a draft rolled around, the list seemed to get bigger, and they... They were more likely to get lost in the fray. Or that was his fear.

He had noticed, distantly, that Haruhi hadn't been in the best of moods following the experiment. Few of them were. He still didn't know what to feel about Yuzu, and he hadn't gotten up the nerve to talk to her. But Haruhi was Haruhi, and for every emotional outburst Haruki had ever gone through, it felt like things would just be exponentially worse for her. Because she'd already been dealt a cruddy blow ending up with people who didn't remember things as she did. Because she wanted to tell him something, and she was holding herself back--and he didn't know why.

He holds the page as he sits on the couch, tapping to hear her voice post again. Hearing the pause. He holds his head in one hand, not knowing what to say.

...

The journal records a period of silence before he realizes it's recording. He tries to sound confident. Like he isn't conflicted at all.]

It'll just be a few days. Things'll be okay.

[The silence, oh the silence. Haruhi sees the reply come in, sees the little picture of Leon and sees what she thinks is a contemplate face, or an upset one... it's hard to tell from a little picture. But she stares at it - willing, hoping he'll understand. Wanting him to tell her to shut up and stop. Wishing that he could somehow fix things, like he did when Usagi died. But that's not fair, of course it's not fair. He was just there, the last one. He wasn't the first, he wasn't the most important, probably, he was just the last.

And then, some parts of her - more of her than she expected, based on yesterday - wish the opposite. Because if he and the others don't stop her, who can? She can erase this world. Get rid of everything. And so what if it's not perfect? So what if the Malnosso ruin it yet again or if she isn't potent enough to save everyone- anything, anything is better than this.

She swallows when his voice finally comes through. Licking her lips, she presses for a reply]

Yeah, of course.

Edited 2011-02-24 01:35 (UTC)

[He can feel his face twisting at the short reply. He feels numb, depressed, angry, and upset all at the same time. He's thinking too much. Reading into things she isn't saying. Reading into the things she is saying--to other people. He knows it's stupid, and he knows it's not her fault.

It was his, for just ... thinking too much.

His voice is a little rough as he exhales and manages to speak.]

You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?

I... [...] would.

[...]

Something is- ...nothing's right, right now.

[She's surprised she could even say that]

[He laughs shortly, even though it's completely inappropriate. It's a nervous response, edged with relief.

He didn't want her to shut him out.]

Tell me about it... You canceled meetings.

[It's an attempt at a joke, even if they both knew this wasn't unprecedented.]

We can talk. Whenever you want to. Need to.

[She sighs. And then in a voice more mechanical than curios - she's testing his sincerity more than anything - ]

Who were you with?

[There's that silence again. More uncomfortable, more awkward. But this had to do with why she was feeling like crap, right?

So he stutters out the answer.]

...Y- Yuzu.

Knowing you, you probably didn't even kiss, did you?

[How can you say that so bluntly, Haruhi?]

Ah- that is- ...Isn't that normal? [They'd "only realized" they liked each other that much.]

...I don't know, maybe it is.

[But that's said quietly. Doubtfully. Flatly]

[He scratches an ear thoughtfully. For the moment, he's too caught up in what's being said.]

Does it matter?

Of course it does! How doesn't it?! How couldn't it?!

It's... It's a kiss. You can kiss anyone if you work up the nerve. [Unless they smacked you first.] I'd guess it has more to do with how you felt about it.

[...How would he feel if he'd kissed Yuzu last week?]

Well... a kiss can be important to someone, you know.

[PLEASE NOTE: contrary to anything she's ever said before. Or Haruki, for that matter]

Sure. That's what I mean, how you feel about it. [But. Uh. What does this have to do with anything?] Did you kiss someone? [Did she get kissed?]

[...What point even is there in denying it]

Two people.

[Two!?]

...Wow.

[Yeah, that didn't sound wrong at all. So after an awkward pause:]

You're trying to figure out what to think about it?

No. [Yes.]

No, I'm not.

I'm guessing it's a friend. Otherwise you wouldn't be thinking about it this deeply. [Or denying it this much, for that matter.]

[...Ugh she suddenly does not want to be having this conversation. Not at all]

...I guess.

[Too bad. You're having it.]

These experiments really mess people up.

You don't need to tell me that.

Stating the obvious helps. ...Sometimes!

[What kind of excuse was that?]

[He takes a moment to collect his thoughts. Sits there and thinks some more about how Haruhi could have handled this.]

Don't do anything stupid. [...] Stupider than you've already done.

[...]

Nothing that happened last week could be worth it.

...Why not?

[WHY NOT? WHY NOT WHY NOT WHY NOT]

6th: The Revulsion of Haruhi Suzumiya

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